Let Me Be Honest

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

I feel like there's something I have to talk about. The goal of my blog has always been to be honest. There's something that I've wanted to talk about for a long time now, but haven't and I finally feel like I'm ready to. I owe it to you to be transparent, to be real.

Despite all of this happy news in my life--
finding out we were pregnant, the ultrasound pics, hearing the heartbeat-- there has been a lot going on "behind the scenes." If you were a fly on my wall, you would know that I've been holding my breath for the last 2 months since I found out I was pregnant. Exactly two, long months.

There's so much stress in this whole process... first was the decision to "start trying." Secondly, was the waiting, the "not pregnant" tests. And then, there was the positive test. And then, there were weeks and weeks of waiting to get through the first trimester.

There was fear of miscarriage. Fear that I wasn't doing everything that I was supposed to do to grow a healthy baby. Fear that I was exercising too much or exercising too little. Fear about every. little. thing.

Through vomiting sessions and 24/7 constant nausea spells, my mind was always wracked with worry. I didn't announce my pregnancy until I was 10 weeks, so only close friends and family knew what I was going through with 24/7 morning sickness. I had days where I just wanted to scream, "I'm sick of being sick and I'm tired of being scared."

Over the weeks, I could feel my belly growing larger. I could feel my body changing. But for weeks, I was afraid to "get too excited" for fear that something was going wrong in me that I didn't know about. I've never been pregnant before. I'd never had a miscarriage.

I would be lying if I said that other people's experiences and stories haven't impacted me. I've had friends have miscarriages in their second trimesters, have missed miscarriages, miscarriages, and very complicated, life-threatening pregnancies. I was scared to have it happen to me, too.

Backing up a bit... I wasn't able to get on Joshua's insurance until January 1st, and by the time we had our first appointment, I was already 10 weeks pregnant. Our appointment was the general "pee in a cup" appointment-- pretty normal.

At our appointment this Tuesday, I was anticipating another general appointment at the rate things were going. I'd been getting frustrated with how long the 4 weeks felt in-between, and how it seemed like other people got sonograms earlier than me. And then our doctor said, "We're going to do a sono today..." and Joshua and I squeezed one another's hand in excitement and waited with anticipation while they rolled in the sonogram machine.
There was a baby. There was a heartbeat. Everything was okay.

Up until that moment, even after I felt the butterfly movements, I was too scared to get too excited. And then in that moment, when I saw that baby was actually there-- living, breathing and thriving-- I felt like I could finally breathe. I could finally stop holding my breath.

And even now, there are still more things to "worry about." But that's where I have to put my trust in our big God. Our God who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever imagine.

Although we have had, up to this point, 14 weeks of a healthy pregnancy, I don't want it to seem that everything has been peachy.

I've received several emails from readers asking me about our journey in getting pregnant or congratulating us and so many of them have made me smile and get teary eyed. In sharing my fear here, I don't mean to sound unthankful. I know that there are many, many people that struggle with infertility issues. I know that they would give their right arm to be sick and carry a baby.

I will say that getting pregnant was 100% God's perfect timing and really had nothing to do with us. I had been off the Pill since August of 2009. We decided to intentionally start trying in the late summer of this year and got pregnant relatively quickly after we decided to give it a whirl (ha!).

BUT... if you read that correctly, I did not get pregnant for over 2 years. It was something that I didn't over-analyze because we had several factors involved. In those 2 years, I had a very high stress job that affected my body in more ways that I even realized. We lived with my in-laws for over a year (really sexy, ha!). And Joshua was also out-of-state for 6 months for work training (and having him gone definitely is a factor, hehe).

I honestly believe that it was not our time for a baby and even though I stressed out about it for months and months and months, God knew what He was doing. Making a baby has nothing to do with us, it has everything to do with Him. And I wanted to be honest here and share this about us.

Another thing I wanted to say is that each of us goes through our own, individual trials. If you've read our story, you know that God put us through an immense trial from 2008-2010. That was the story that God wrote for us. That was our personal struggle. We are stronger because of it and we wouldn't have changed a thing about what we went through. It has made us appreciate things so much more (like this little blessing)!

I've struggled with feeling guilty for having a healthy pregnancy so far. It's been so hard to tell friends that we are expecting when I know that they've been trying for years. It's been so hard to watch some of my friendships change because they have lost and suddenly can not relate to me and or it's too hard for them to be around me. It's okay. There's so much I've learned since I've gotten pregnant. It's hard to be "on the other side," too. I care about people so much that a part of me wanted to experience the pain of loss, too, so that I wouldn't be hated for a healthy pregnancy.

Today, I'm letting go of what others think about me and am just praising God for this life growing inside of me. I'm choosing to trust in Him that all is going okay with my pregnancy. I'm thanking God for true friendships that have shared in our trials, joys, and sorrows. I'm giving over control to God to do whatever He wills.

With this baby, and in my life, I will continue to say, "Every blessing, You pour out, I'll turn back to praise... blessed be Your name." We are so blessed, so excited, and good grief, I didn't know I could be this happy!

Thanks for listening. Because I love you, I wanted you to get a little inside peek into my soul today :) Be blessed! xo

Leave a Comment

ThisLittleMomma said...

Oh Heather, you are so sweet. My getting pregnant story is a little different than yours, but I know what you mean about fear. I waited until 14 weeks to announce my pregnancy and felt exactly what you described. It will be there, maybe the entire time. But as you know God has this great masterpiece of a plan for you, it's a great one too! I always reminded myself that sickness, nausea, baby hiccups (just wait) were all healthy signs for baby. I had major anxiety and finally Luke had to sit me down and tell me God's in control and I need to give it to him b/c me worrying is only causing the baby to feel that worry- and he was right. I still worried, it's a mom thing but I knew that this blessing was what the Lord wanted for me. I am so happy that you can feel baby moving, that will help ease any worries. Congrats again Momma! :)


Amanda said...

You know I love you.

2 years.

We're at 18 months.

His timing is perfect.

Katie {katie lately} said...

Oh Heather this is so perfect. I really feel we have similar souls! I feel like your writing is my own, just a different stage in life. I have had all of these thoughts without even being pregnant. I totally completely understand how you felt guilty for getting pregnant or for being sick of being sick. I soooo admire you for writing this all out and with such eloquence. Good for you for giving this over to God, for walking in the love He gives you and remember how much He already loves this baby! He wants you to be excited and to share with even your friends who have lost. This is His blessing to you, and you are a faithful servant to turn this blessing back to praise!

Thank you for so transparently sharing your heart :)

Kimberly said...

Thanks for sharing and opening up. The fears you feel are very normal. Until that baby comes out you will be worried about every little thing.

I am so happy for you and your husband and can't wait to see if it's a boy or girl! Xxoo

Amelia Bedelia said...

Thank you for being real and honest. I can relate you with fully, having been part of the "infertility community" for over a year, and then experiencing a miscarriage last spring. I praise God that we are now expecting our third little one and am due in May! God IS faithful!

Andrea said...

I'm a little behind on blog reading, so congratulations first of all. I can totally relate. To be honest, it didn't feel real to me until about three weeks after my daughter was born. I mean, I was excited, but I didn't let myself fully enjoy it until that point and I regret it. I was worried and full of fear, just like you. To be honest, it was disbelief in God's plan. I will say that I was drawn closer to Him because my faith was taken to a whole new level when trusting Him with the life of your child. you will get through just fine girly, congrats again!

amy D said...

Wow, thank you so much for sharing your heart!
I, too, realized early on that if we let it, worry will consume us. There never ceases to be things to worry about, even when the baby is born. Heck, even when they're 5 years old going off to kindergarden, or 16 and driving a car, 18 and going off to college. Know what I mean? The whole trust in God thing is vital! (Preaching to the choir, here) :) :)
Also, I completely agree with you on God's perfect timing. It's the only way I can make sense of people trying so hard for a baby and not getting pregnant, or people that flippantly take their birth control and don't get pregnant, or people that take their pill religiously and GET pregnant! It HAS to be Him :) :)

Kara said...

I'm so proud of you sweety! God has a wonderful plan for you and for your amazing baby. Things will work out and you will be blessed beyond belief! Can't wait to hear more about your fantastic baby. :)

Jenna@The Life of the Wife said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I kind of felt like you were just taking the words right out of my mouth. We went through that when we had our little guy. Thank you for being so honest Heather! Enjoy this time and be HAPPY that you are bringing a little miracle here. Your baby is gonna be so loved!


Elisha(: said...

wow. thanks for sharing <3

Lindsay said...

This is a beautiful testimony Heather! PRAYING for your family xo

jennifer blair said...

I loved this. God's timing is so perfect. He knows exactly what we need when we need it. I can't wait to see how God works through the rest of your pregnancy! Blessing girl!

PS: We all love your honesty here! It's a beautiful thing!

Ruthie Hart said...

Heather I just want to thank you for being so honest and real about your experiences and your feelings. We haven't even started trying for a baby but I lay awake at night sometimes thinking about what if we lose a baby. I've watched my mom lose 3 babies and friends lose twin boys at 35 weeks. And I can't seem to shake my fear. My husband is such a strong man and has to remind me that whatever happens is God's will and one way or another we will be parents, if our babies are here on earth or in heaven. I have a feeling I will be constantly worried and anxious about my baby until I am holding them in my arms but I have to realize, that baby is the Lord's plan. And I can't choose the outcome. I smile while praying for your sweet baby because I am so excited to watch you grow as a mother. And please continue to share your heart, your worries and struggles because it is almost paving the way for me. I love you girl!

Nessa Bixler said...

Love this... it took us 18 months with our first daughter. We had friends trying longer than that - and I felt guilty too. But God has his timing.

With our 2nd on the way... we started trying this summer and got pregnant right away and miscarried a few weeks later. We didn't tell anyone. Then we were pregnant again and I was scared. I know the breath holding and relief to see that heartbeat. 18 weeks now and I am relaxing more and more. Thanks for the wonderful reminder Who's hands this all belongs in. Your honesty is beautiful.

boyishchic said...

You go, girl. So happy for you & the exciting news of the heartbeat. Praying for you & your happiness!
xx. Jillian

Bethany G said...

So blessed by you. You have a beautiful soul, dear!

Katie said...

Dear Friend, I love when you share your heart like this. I jut read your story for the first time and wow! What a trial and what a great testimony. We've just come through a similar trial, only to begin a new trial and your words at the end were just what I needed to hear today. Thank you!

I would love to offer some words of encouragement to you as you are in a very exciting yet nerve racking time. Keep leaning on God. He is in control. I didn't struggle with worry and fear until after pregnancy. Sometimes I can't sleep because I am afraid I won't hear my baby cry if I do fall asleep. It's a daily battle for me but I have found that memorizing scripture has helped a ton! Verses like Psalms 23 and Joshua 1:9 have been a huge encouragemt to me and hope they are to you too.

Kassi at Truly Lovely said...

OH the insurance! We are working right now for me to get on the hubs' insurance. That's a huge reason why we haven't really started trying. It is refreshing to hear about the REAL going on behind the scenes! So glad everything is going well so far!

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing this post. It's great to know I'm not alone in these fears. I am 10 weeks 1 day pregnant, and so anxious for our next doctors appointment in a few weeks. I've already had an ultrasound when we first found out we were expecting and we found out then that I was 8 weeks along when I thought I could have only been about 4! This little life inside of me has been making me sick, anxious, and completely worried every second, but I have never been happier. It's SO much easier said than done to put the worry out of your head and "let go and let God," but when you do, it's completely worth it. All things work out perfectly according to HIS plan, not ours, and when we are fortunate enough to have our plans match up, it is such a beautiful thing! Congratulations on your mommyhood – I'll be praying for both of our little babes as they continue to grow (and make us grow, too) into healthy and strong bundles of joy!

*PS: Still anonymous since we haven't told friends yet until after our next appointment, in fear of the worry...

Laura said...

Yet again a wonderful post. I am thankful for you sharing this story, it makes everything more clear of: what you are feeling, how you have felt, and why you were so thankful to get pregnant, up till now I thought that you were trying for a month or two but now I understand where you are coming from and that you were off BC for a while. Not that I am not saying that someone cant be thankful and feel pressure in two months, I would raise my hands in praise if that happened to me and would feel aniety of waiting from the moment we started trying for sure, but now I know the inner feelings of why you were even more thankful because of your worry. Thank you for sharing this, it is so nice to hear that other people go through the same things.

The Arizona Russums said...

love you. love your story. God is so good.

ilene @ muchloveilly said...

your story is a blessing to so many people, i'm certain. i am inspired by your transparency. God is so faithful and so good. :)

Jade :) said...

Thanks so much for sharing your story! It is true that you have to trust in god but I can totally and 100% umdstand what you say by worrying about it it's hard to let go sometimes!

Melu103 said...

hey gorgeous
i am sorry i been MIA from your blog lately... i been sick, in vegas, and with so many things to do i barely had time to post myself. I am beyond happy to see the pictures on the previous post .... you have no idea how happy i am for you. It must feel incredible to feel your baby move and know that he/she is there♥ It probably sucks to be so worried all the time and to be scared. It is normal hun! All moms to be worried and you are only human. Leave it in God's hands, he will take care of you and your baby ♥ Love ya girl!


Breanna Hohenstein said...

I love that you were able to open up to your readers, it's always a wonderful feeling to let it all out! You have such a beautiful heart and soul, and I am so happy for you and your hubby! Yall are going to make such wonderful parents! Always remember that God has it under control :)

ginanorma said...

Yes there is SO much involved when pregnancy is among us women, isn't there?! Everyone has their own journey and just because yours looks different than theirs doesn't mean it's bad or wrong or you should feel guilty. You have that "right" freely to enjoy this time, it goes so quickly and it's to be cherished. Remember when others say anything about the things you mentioned, that it's about their insecurities and their pain. It has nothing to do with YOU.
I tried for years and years with my husband, whom I've been married to for 10 years now, to get pregnant and it just wasn't happening, my disease didn't allow my daughter to have a brother or sister. During those years, I was BITTER. I couldn't even LOOK at pregnant women. But that was ABOUT ME, not them. I had the issues. I was bitter and in a bad place. I've now worked through it all, and am at total peace, thanks to the book IS GOD TO BLAME by Greg Boyd; anyway, don't hold back, sure be sensitive, but don't hold back your joy because of your fear of other women, they will work through it on their own time! BASK in this gift, and lay your worries at the CROSS b/c you have NO control over your pregnancy, the only ones who do are the smokers, drinkers, and drug addicts. And I know you aren't doing any of that. Jesus says His YOKE IS EASY and LIGHT, so trade this burden of worry and give it to Him.
God bless you Heather, and congratulations again!!!! Oh and thanks for being honest and for your authenticity.

Jessi said...

Oh sweet sister! This is so honest. I struggled a lot after having so many miscarriages when I saw friends getting pregnant and having babies with what seemed like no trouble. But God showed me quickly that we are to weap with those who weap and rejoice with those who rejoice. There were so many friends who wept with me and I had to rejoice with them. Now that I'm more mature I can honestly say that there should be no guilt for having a healthy baby because if someone is jealous or upset about it, that is their struggle and something they need to work on between them and God. You enjoy your pregnancy! Enjoy your baby! Give in to it all that you've got. The last thing you want is to be anxious and nervous, it's not good for you or the baby! Live in each moment and cherish each moment. And you're aboslutely in the right mindset. God has it ALL under control. I know this firsthand. There is nothing more freeing that than knowledge. Now live it!!

Heather said...

Oh Heather. Your heart is so sweet... thank you for letting us in, and sharing your life, the ups and the downs with us. <3

Kate said...

I love this and I totally relate to it in some ways. Though my husband and I aren't ready to start trying for a baby, I'm constantly wracked with fear that I won't be able to get pregnant or I won't be able to carry a baby because of reproductive issues that run in my family. It's a fear that has haunted my since I was literally 13 years old. But, I know that God is HUGE and so powerful! His plan is a good one and He'll see us through! I bet He's got one heck of a plan for you, your husband, and now this itty bitty baby! <3

Mindee and Austin said...

First of all, congrats on being pregnant! That is such exciting news! Its always so exciting, scary, nerve racking, emotional and all those other words when your finding out that your having a baby! All your feelings are so normal..its hard to belive that things are going to be ok, cause sometimes they arent, and its sad...but im so happy for you that youve made it this far! You are going to be a great little mama, and your little one will be so beautiful!
Found your blog through Casey W : ) Have a great weekend!

Catherine said...

Congratulations. And thanks for your honesty. Best wishes to you.

FEST (a new blog about food, style & travel)

Christina May Andrews said...

This is a great post. I have been where you are. My son turned a yearold this week. I have also been on the other side of what you are talking about because I had a miscarriage in December. You need to scream it to the world. True friends may hurt a little on the inside, but they will rejoice with you through there sadness. You have been given a mircle, there is no guilt in that. I am so excited for your journey to come!!

Erica Marie said...

Just wanted you to know that I am blessed to have you as a friend and that I am SO happy for you, J, and your healthy little one!! Only 6 more months to find out what your sweet little miracle baby is!!! XOXOX

Meghan said...

This is such a deep and soul baring post, and I'm so happy that you were able to get it all out and just have God's love shine down on you today! You and your hubby and your baby are definitely in my prayers and will be thinking of you love! & like so many have said before me, I am so blessed to know you and have you a part of my life! <3

Sarah Willing said...

i love you. i don't really like writing long messages on these comments, but know that you inspire me. and you always will. i'm here for you...ALWAYS! good and bad. the little babe inside of you is one lucky little guy/gal. all of those dreams you have with the baby and with joshua are and will come true :) God really has been faithful in his leading you...the unknown times, the beautifully intense times, the joyful times. i love seeing the Lord work in my life and when i am able to see Him work in others lives i am equally awestruck, though in different ways (if that's possible :) .
miss you...and praying for you.